My Story

Lost and Found

As I sit back and relax, closing my eyes, thanking God as I count my blessings, now that I am found, I have some clarity in my life. I think back to a time when I wasn’t so grateful about my life, a time when my childhood wasn't so bright and radiant. I think back to a time when things just didn't make any sense, where confusion was just a normal state of mind. The devil loves to take advantage of lost souls, and even though I tried my best to find my way back to my divine path, my soul was lost in sin.

The Making of an Addict

I always like to say, the common ingredients of an addict are rejection, abandonment, abuse of any kind, and low self-esteem. These are some of the common traits I observed in many and including myself that eventually turn people into addicts. Now, not all people who went through such trials become addicts and not all who are addicts are addicted to drugs. You can become addicted to anything if you are not careful, however, I am not talking about other people, and I am talking about my demons. One of the assignments that the devil placed upon my life to destroy me was drugs.

What was my childhood like? Well, like most people we all have our good moments when growing up. During your childhood moments you are not supposed to worry about life, you are supposed to enjoy just being a kid; well I did to a certain extent but my childhood was tarnished and messed with a little bit. As I got older, I never knew why I was timid around people, especially around guys. I never knew why I allow anxiety and fear to harass my heart, why I would easily get discouraged and why my self esteem was shot to pieces. It started from the bottom; my childhood, the evil seed that was placed in my heart since I was an innocent child. The bad fruit of mental abuse and sexual abuse that corrupted my mind, kept me in bondage without me even noticing.

With all the issues from my childhood brewing within my mind, then spills out the stress that eventually causes my nerves to break. I started having back pain that happened mostly at night when I slept that eventually got worse over the years until recently. I went to plenty of doctors who at first couldn’t tell me anything for a long time. I finally got a diagnosis and then began my horrible journey with pain pills. The pain pills helped a lot with my physical pain and also my emotional pain as well. However, I took the pills at first strictly for my back at night, especially during those times when my back pain would bring me to tears. Slowly but surely I started to realize that these pills also made me feel good, ecstatic, confident and energized. I feel like I can function at work and sleep at night again. I was able to deal with life again to another level. Problems that usually bothered me didn't bother me anymore.I realized all I needed in this life were these small pills that took care of my ability to not care about anything or with what anyone feels or says. I felt invisible as far as how I felt but little did I know for 10 years, I would start the worst journey of my life. I took the bait from Satan just like our first parents Adam and Eve did, I ate the forbidden fruit.

I was told that these pills would make me feel better about my relationship with my ex and it would give me energy to do daily mundane tasks and everything is more fun while using pills. Guess what? All those things were true except it was temporary. I lost my way, I stopped caring about myself and my appearance, I was blinded by withdrawals which I didn't know I could feel so bad if I didn't take my pills at the same time,I needed more and more, I became a monster on these pills, I was young and naive. The devil doesn't care what you know or don't know as long as he gets through that open door. After years of abuse, God said enough is enough! Next thing you know, I lost my job that paid pretty well for at that time ( my funds to get pills), my car broke down, my relationship was on the rocks, finances were shot, lost my best friend who was so much help, and my daughter who was 2 at the time was driving me crazy, she threw my cell phone in the water ( all my connects were lost!)

He renews my strength.He Guides me along right paths...

Everything felt like it came crashing down on me at once, I just remember feeling so vulnerable , I remember bawling like a baby feeling so lost and undone. Little did I know that my father in heaven was using my loss and pain to get my attention and to bring me back to him. God used my temporary suffering to show what was truly important. I had to learn to die to self and rise with Christ. When I say rise with Christ, I mean once I started to focus more on him and his word, writing to him, talking to him consistently in my secret place, my life started to change. My papa delivered me from pills in my dreams, I gained my joy and peace in him , I started to love life and people again because I died to myself with the help of his holy spirit , I was resurrected with him and it was the start of a Glorious season.